“You have a certain laugh when you are uncomfortable, when you are uneasy, when you are nervous, anxious, feeling vulnerable and trying not to let it show."
A beloved let me cry when my lover left, he tells me this to explain why he knows I am not all right, as I have tried to convince myself that I am…that I will be…
As I offer up the lie to him, like offerings to my Gods,
like blackberries in a bowl on the breakfast table…
to let him out of this spiral before I panic and pull him under with me,
like a drowning man grasping at anything to stay above water…
I have a tell…gotta fix that…
My brain begins the litany…
“No good to anyone…”
The realization that no one has ever fallen in love with me…ever…
“Of course they didn’t...how could they?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“What is right…?”
The shadows smell blood in the water…too late now…
“Have I done anything right?...ever?”
“Is that enough?”
Can I remember that I am good enough?
Can I convince myself that this feeling is simply my heart expanding, learning, growing,
increasing its capacity…?
Can I breathe? Can I breathe deeper, slower?…
Can I remember that love is a gift I am capable of?
That I am capable?
That I am good enough?
That I can do this?
That I am strong?
That I am whole?
That it will be all right?
That this will pass?
That I will survive this?
That this is necessary?
I still cannot remember anyone ever falling in love with me, and that is all right…
because I can remember falling in love...and that is good enough.