Going to Ground

my body betrayed me…

balance an elusive sprite…

smoke, rain and fresh cool wind danced in erratic ecstasy…

panic blossomed within my belly…

I went to ground.

I knelt upon the Mother,

my hands in Her dark soil…

 sent roots into Her depths,

entwined them around strong solid stone.

laid my body down upon Her,

touched Her creatures,

and waited. 

Shadow rose up within me,

memories of long ago…

long forgotten conflict…

doubts of my place in the world…

of my purpose.

Thoughts of going to ground…

of returning to the Mother to be safe

 in the nurturing depths of Her dark soil…

desire to retreat to Her solidity and strength.

But I am a child of the Void…

the Void harbors no hiding places…

only potential…

and chaotic power

waiting to be given form…

so I shall learn to dance on ecstasy  

to follow sprites into wildeness…

to hold strength of Earth within my body

and to walk my path with what grace I can…

the price

the price we sold ourselves for

was never the nine pieces of tarnished silver in the kitchen drawer

four knives, two forks and three spoons…

it wasn't the pair of used sneakers two sizes too big for our feet

or two pairs of cast-off jeans

and three worn-out t-shirts that we wore all week

clean or not, ‘cause maybe they didn’t get washed

but they were all we had to wear in January…

or the greasy popcorn we ate for a week

‘cause there was nothing else in the place…

it wasn’t the broken bone

that never healed right

‘cause she couldn’t be bothered

to take us back to the doctor…

or the looks from our teachers and our classmates

that said they could see our darkness

and it made them nervous …

it wasn’t the hand that never touched our hair

or the eyes that looked right through us

like we were never even there

or the words of pride that our ears never heard...

or the touch we craved like addicts…

it wasn’t the anger that filled our bellies

or the guilt we felt for always wanting more...

or all the things we did

to buy oblivion instead…

it wasn’t the time we spent on our knees begging

or the years spent quiet, timid and small

trying to kill our own strength...

locking our anger

fear, rage, pain and need

inside our bellies...

keeping our heart encased in ice

‘til it turned stone cold and hollow 

unshed tears freezing and falling

building a glacier against hope...

hoping it would die silently

so not to make anyone uneasy…

it was never the choices that we made

to deliver our power into the hands of the careless…

the price we sold ourselves for

was the belief that we could never be

good enough to deserve better…

Falling into the fire...

I had a dream…

You were there, offering me all that I had once desired…

Offering me the chance to fall …

back into all the old patterns and habits of my past.

Offering me the opportunity to return to the veil,

that hides me from myself and from the light.

I woke knowing that I could not have you,

or risk returning to the shadows.

I told myself   “Do not fall in love with him.

He is too strong for you.

You will lose yourself again.

Do not fall in love with him.”

But it was already far too late…

I fell, Oh how I fell…

And I am falling still…

It matters not that you are not in love with me…

or that you cannot be.

It makes no difference that I am strong enough without you,

Or with you, or that I am not with you.

or that you wear the face of God, or that He wears yours.

I no longer know which, and it no longer matters.

For I am strong enough to love a God…

and to stand in the light.

I no longer need to hide behind the veil…

I can stand and fall and fall and fall…

And still I stand…

I stand in the light no matter how I fall…

The falling is no longer to be feared…

The fire inside your mind, your heart, your soul…

Sparks the flame within my own

Your body sets my own on fire

And so I fall …

into the magick of falling

in love with you…

and I stand in the light of the fire...

even as I fall…