My Beloved...

My beloved is the bedrock beneath my feet,

Solid and steadfast, he makes my steps secure

that I may walk my path with surety

My beloved is the mighty oak,

that I may lean upon and rest when I am weak or weary. a stalwart support 

that I may stand in strength

My beloved is the bright star in the dark sky

when I wander in the night his light guides me

 that I may find my way

My beloved is the glowing coals of the hearth

And the need-fire in the winter’s night

And the torch that lights the hall

That I may know warmth and safety

And when I wake before the dawn

in that space before waking, before daylight

my beloved’s voice in my mind,

the memory of his scent

the thought of his touch.

 my passion for him makes me glow

with desire and will

and fills me with purpose

that I might rise and face the world with power... 

good enough...

“You have a certain laugh when you are uncomfortable, when you are uneasy, when you are nervous, anxious, feeling vulnerable and trying not to let it show."

A beloved let me cry when my lover left, he tells me this to explain why he knows I am not all right, as I have tried to convince myself that I am…that I will be…

As I offer up the lie to him, like offerings to my Gods, 

like blackberries in a bowl on the breakfast table…

to let him out of this spiral before I panic and pull him under with me, 

like a drowning man grasping at anything to stay above water…

I have a tell…gotta fix that…

My brain begins the litany…

"Useless…”

“No good to anyone…”

The realization that no one has ever fallen in love with me…ever…

“Of course they didn’t...how could they?”

“What is wrong with me?”

“What is right…?”

The shadows smell blood in the water…too late now…

“Have I done anything right?...ever?”

“Yes, twice…”

“Is that enough?”

“maybe…”

Can I remember that I am good enough?

Can I convince myself that this feeling is simply my heart expanding, learning, growing,

increasing its capacity…?

maybe…

Can I breathe? Can I breathe deeper, slower?…

Can I remember that love is a gift I am capable of?

That I am capable?

That I am good enough?

That I can do this?

That I am strong?

That I am whole?

That it will be all right?

That this will pass?

That I will survive this?

That this is necessary?

“maybe…”

I still cannot remember anyone ever falling in love with me, and that is all right…

because I can remember falling in love...and that is good enough.

Blooming...

What is this flower blooming,

opening inside of me?

Each velvet petal unfolding,

each unfolding and opening,

one by one,

exposing the velvet color

of the space inside.

Trying to open enough,

to empty itself,

to make enough space,

so you will stay,

and fill it with your scent,

and the sound of your breathing,

your laughter and your voice,

with the warmth of your body,

and the smiles you give when I have pleased you.

Each layer unfolding outward,

exposing the space made empty,

the space you occupy,

the space you leave behind.

Oh Holy Night revised

Oh Holy Night…revised to reflect my hope for this world…

Oh Holy night, the stars are brightly shining,

Is this the night Love’s Light shall return?

Long lay the world in grief and darkness pining,

Til Light appears and the soul knows its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn’

Fall on your knees, Oh hear the voices singing,

Oh night Divine, Oh night of Light’s return,

Oh night Divine, Oh night, Oh night Divine.

May we learn to love one another,

The Light is Love and its child is Peace.

Chains shall break for the slave is our brother,

And in Love’s name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

May all among us learn to live in peace,

Love is the Law; Oh may it reign forever,

Oh night Divine, Oh night of Light’s return,

Oh night Divine, Oh night, Oh night Divine.

Sacraments

Cooking is a sacred act.

I have not cooked for anyone in years.

I have been a woman excommunicated,

exiled from my own humanity.

No one breaks bread at this table, 

no one sleeps in this bed,

no one wakes to roses,

and the scent of cinnamon,

and blackberries 

in a bowl on the kitchen table.

No one showers while I drink coffee on Sunday morning.

This body, my body,

is broken like bread,

is made holy by your hands,

is made sacred with your mouth.

Your lips, my sacraments,

like the berries in the bowl,

fill my mouth with the divine.

Your breath warms me,

like the breath of God,

breathing life into this body.

Your hands bless me,

your touch makes me human,

makes me woman,

restores me to communion,

with God.

I place my hands upon your skin...

I place my hands upon your skin,

And I feel the life in you,

Bright shining

Like the Sun on a summer morning.

It warms my skin in turn,

It seeps into my blood,

Pleasure coursing through my veins,

Liquid light,

Flowing through my body,

And into my bones,

Filling my belly and my brain,

Sinking deep into my soul,

 Seeking depths unknown,

Slipping between and

Beneath the shadows,

Burning darkness into ash,

With light so bright it hurts,

Like blood rushing into flesh long numb,

Fire burning into a heart long cold,

I place my hands upon your skin,

And I feel the light in you…

the Coming of Winter...

Winter is coming

and you will be quitting me soon...

I know this fact

every moment of every day...

Each day the beast draws closer

with each breath, with each beat

with the fall of each night

the day becomes shorter

the darkness grows and

the silence creeps closer...

It stalks me

watching and waiting for the moment

that moment when you will touch me for the last time...

The cold silence waits for me

it waits until you are gone

it waits for that moment

to wrap its cold, dark silence around me

to hold me untouched, cold and silent

all through the long dark months...

I can feel it closing in on me

and I want to scream...

No you cannot take me!

I am Warm and Alive!

I hold Fire inside me!

But no matter how I rage against it

no matter how hard I beat my fists against the tomb

no matter...

I cannot escape 

the coming of Winter.

Lunae Memoriae

My Lady sails through silver sky,

Her pale skin, a shade of light,

She glows in brilliant radiance, my lover faire.

With gentle grace she wanders through the night,

Her gossamer gown flows ‘round about her feet,

Her footsteps leaving stardust in her path.

She sings with laughter, starlight song,

Her voice, a gentle shining mist,

Whispering the mystery.

Her soft touch, cool as evening aire,

Her kisses shimmer on my skin,

Gifts of music, soft and sweet.

Dancing through eternity,

My lover faire,

My Lady of sweet memory.

Falling into the fire...

I had a dream…

You were there, offering me all that I had once desired…

Offering me the chance to fall …

back into all the old patterns and habits of my past.

Offering me the opportunity to return to the veil,

that hides me from myself and from the light.

I woke knowing that I could not have you,

or risk returning to the shadows.

I told myself   “Do not fall in love with him.

He is too strong for you.

You will lose yourself again.

Do not fall in love with him.”

But it was already far too late…

I fell, Oh how I fell…

And I am falling still…

It matters not that you are not in love with me…

or that you cannot be.

It makes no difference that I am strong enough without you,

Or with you, or that I am not with you.

or that you wear the face of God, or that He wears yours.

I no longer know which, and it no longer matters.

For I am strong enough to love a God…

and to stand in the light.

I no longer need to hide behind the veil…

I can stand and fall and fall and fall…

And still I stand…

I stand in the light no matter how I fall…

The falling is no longer to be feared…

The fire inside your mind, your heart, your soul…

Sparks the flame within my own

Your body sets my own on fire

And so I fall …

into the magick of falling

in love with you…

and I stand in the light of the fire...

even as I fall…

Eclipse

Your shadow passes silently over me,

hiding me from the light and warmth of the sun.

I shiver and glow with the colour of my passion for you.

Until the dark and shifting clouds hide you from me

and I fear I shall never see you again.

Terrified and cold.

Then you leave me and pass by.

And I am bright again,

if not so warm.

I lay upon my bed...

I lay upon my bed,

The light turned out an hour ago,

The embers shimmer and glow inside,

The waves rolling off my skin,

Light the shadows all around.

I think of you and in my mind,

I hold your body close.

Although my heart would be for you,

A place of love and healing,

My mind tells me that what you need,

Is not what I can offer.

I focus on your pain,

On my desire to transform

That sharp thing,

Into something else.

As intense and overwhelming,

And consuming as my need.

My body and my soul want you still,

Even in your darkest hour.

To feel your force,

Your frustration and your anger,

Your loss and grief and despair,

Pouring into me,

Purged and purified.

To be battered in your arms,

To feel your violence and your hope,

To feel your control,

And your abandonment of it.

To feel your hands around my throat,

Pressed against the wall,

With no escape,

No choice,

But to surrender to your will,

And be conquered by your power.

Requium for our cat

Spirits of the other realm

Guide our most familiar friend

When his spirit shall return

May he find us once again

Bind us here to one another

Bind our sorrow and our grief

Bind us with our love together

Make our time of mourning brief

Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again

Lord and Lady Blessed be

To our most familiar friend.

Wishing Well Love Spell

I cast my wish into the Well,

And as I do I cast this spell.

I call to me my match, my mate.

I call the one who is my fate.

I call to me my own true love,

By Sun and Moon and Stars above!

For the Wild God

Cernunnos

Untamable Wild Spirit

Undeniable Force of Life

God of Carnal Pleasure and Passionate Joy,

Laughter and Love.

Come to me and Take me.

In that place of ecstasy

Where there are no boundaries to separate me

From all that you are.

Healing Spell

Doubt no longer rules my mind

Grief no longer chokes me

Fear no longer rules my heart

and Loss no longer wounds me

Hope and Joy and Faith and Love

These things shall now replace them

By Sun and Moon and Stars above

My Spirit now reclaims them.

For the Dark Maiden

Maiden Huntress

Bloudewydd,

Flower-Bride by magick made

to be the Bride of Light

yet your sovereignty never surrendered.

You chose your lover by your will

and sent the Eagle flying.

by Magick turned

from Flower-Bride to Night-Hunter

silent-winged Owl-Goddess

flying unheard to hunt the dark

sharp-seeing and swift

talons pierce soft fur,

warm flesh, fluttering heart

surrenders to your grasp.

Ostara Prayer

Lord and Lady of Spring’s return

Come to us that we may learn

Of warming earth and growing Sun

Of greening life that newly comes

Into the world that we may see

and hope in love, So mote it be.

Waiting

At midnight I sit among my candles and incense,

music and wine, waiting.

I think of you driving in the night,

and I wait for you to come to me.

I hear you at the door, before you are there,

and then you are, and you come inside.

You don’t have to talk, just lay beside me

I hold you and you sleep in my arms.

Every night I wait, every day I wait,

for the day that you need me,

the day that you want me,

the day that you love me,

and I wait for you to come to me.

New Moon; Transformations

 I was in love,

infatuated and happy.

Then anticipation, discovery and excitement

 gave way to obsession,

desperation and heartbreak.

But after the fear and the fever passes…

what I am left with

is a different kind of happiness;

love, understanding and connection.

The Dance

The enigma I wrestle

Every moment I breathe

Does this war I wage

Resemble an idea

You’ve ever had of me

Or am I a fool, obsessed

Consumed by distraction?